Truth and love are vital to all healthy personal relationships. But there’s a sense in which the thrust of truth on the one hand and the thrust of love on the other may prompt us toward different ways of engaging in conversations. These kinds of engagement are not necessarily at odds with each other, but they can be. Without proper curation, love and truth can pull against each other. With thoughtful attention to each dynamic, they can be woven together in a highly constructive complementarity.
Ideally, we would all like to conduct our ministries in ways that express both truth and love, but it’s not always as easy as it sounds. Reflecting on my own experience, I have found that when I’m paying particular attention to communicating truth, I can run the risk of coming across as not terribly loving or gracious. Also, when I am especially trying to convey love and support, I run the risk of going soft on challenging aspects of the truth of the matter.
The English language may be a limiting factor here. We don’t have a convenient word that conveys the dynamics of both truth and love at the same time. We have to resort to using a phrase like ‘tough love’.
David Augsburger, a pastoral theologian from Fuller Seminary in the early 70s, wrote about the importance of both care and confrontation in Christian ministry. He made the case that care brings warm inclusion and confrontation brings firm discernment. He insisted that to neglect either was to undermine the gospel of Jesus. He noted that there isn’t a handy English word that brings together the dynamics of caring (loving) and confronting (telling the truth) into one approach. So he coined the term ‘carefronting’.
The point is that in all forms of ministry that is carried out in Jesus’ name, this can’t be an either/or. It’s got to be a both/and. Care on its own can descend into complicity and a sort of co-dependent enabling. Confrontation on its own can become aggressive and judgemental.
Larry Daloz, the philosophy of education guru of the 80s made the same observation in connection with teaching, but he used the language of ‘support’ and ‘challenge’. He mapped the way in which these dynamics impact students and the results produced:
He observed that where neither support nor challenge is effectively conveyed the result is stagnation. Where there is support but no effective challenge, students feel encouraged to keep repeating what they have been doing to that point. Where students are challenged but not provided with support, they tend to retreat. Daloz observed that the place of greatest learning and growth was where students experienced both support and challenge at the same time.
The contributions of both Augsburger and Daloz are simply 20th century articulations of first century wisdom that we find in the New Testament. Love and truth are spoken of together in several places in scripture
1 Corinthians 13:6 …love rejoices in the truth…
Ephesians 4:15 …speaking the truth in love…
1 John 3:18 …love not with words but with actions and in truth…
2 John 1:3 …grace mercy and peace from God…will be with us in truth and love…
More than that, the combination of love and truth, care and confrontation, support and challenge are found in the very character of Jesus. John expresses this using the language of ‘grace and truth’.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth… For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. John 1:14,17 NIV
The prophet Isaiah, writing of the Servant of the Lord in anticipation of the coming Messiah, characterises him clearly as one who brings truth-based justice and righteousness, yet with kindness:
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. In his teaching the islands will put their hope. Isa 42:3-4 NIV
We see the dynamics of truth and love so wonderfully woven together in numerous encounters Jesus had with individuals as reported in the gospels. He graciously enters into conversation with the woman at the well in John 4. In the midst of his generous offer of living water he also confronts her with the truth of her past and her shameful present. His love for his disciples is obvious, but he is certainly not backward in confronting them with the truth about their lack of faith. Think of how he came back at Peter (Matt 16:22-23) when that disciple inappropriately tried to deflect him from his mission. The way he dealt with the woman caught in adultery in John 8:11 is a classic expression of grace and truth:
“Neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Jesus sets an example for all of us who would serve others in his name. We are called toward the difficult task of bringing both truth and love to bear in the way we carry out our ministry. One of these dynamics alone really is not enough. Both must be in play if those we serve are to grow in God. In real-life situations we will have to assess what is needed in the moment. As we are seeking to get the balance right, bear in mind two factors for which we must account.
First, we will need to adjust our approach according to the other person’s immediate need. Listen carefully to assess what messages the person has been getting from other sources. Have they been coddled with lots of love but little frank feedback? Have they been hammered with challenging truth delivered without any offer of support? Also, try to pick up what their internal voice is saying? Is their self-talk falling into unbalanced excusing or accusing? Knowing that this person needs both love and truth, you’ll seek to supply what might be lacking.
Second, adjustment needs to be made to account for our own natural tendency. All of us find one side of the truth/love equation easier than the other. Some of us find it’s effortless to come straight out with the truth, while grace-giving is something we have to work hard at. Others of us are naturally grace-givers and it takes conscious effort to remember to exercise truth-telling. Which one are you?
One final reminder. When we are speaking the truth in love in our capacity as Christian leaders, it’s good to bear in mind that because of the inherent power imbalance that comes with our position, our words may land more heavily than might appear to us to be the case. We don’t need to overdo it. The deep transformation and growth that we long to see in those we serve will actually come from the Holy Spirit, who both leads us into truth (Jn 16:13) and pours out God’s love into our hearts (Rom 5:5).
Used with permission from the publisher of Preach magazine. This article of mine was originally published in Preach magazine, Issue 44 (2025).
I have the privilege to mentor some wonderful Christian leaders. Our conversations grapple with what it means to faithfully respond to and cooperate with the work of God’s Spirit in their soul and circumstances. One of the most engaging and puzzling questions we consider is how to act in ways that are consistent with God’s character when confronted by behaviour of others that we find offensive or negatively provocative. And this becomes even more sharply challenging when those behaviours are exhibited by the same people on a regular basis.
Are there some individuals in your circle of influence whose behaviour gets under your skin to the point that, when you see them approaching, or a message pops up with their name on it, you inwardly groan and mutter to yourself, “Here we go again”? I’m thinking here of the person who is always complaining, finding fault with entrenched negativity. Or the person who has an inflated idea of their importance and wisdom and makes sweeping assertions about matters they don’t understand. Or the person who seeks to manipulate you through bullying, deception or flattery. No doubt, you can name other examples of behaviour that exasperate you.
You might expect to encounter these behaviours when working with unbelievers in outreach ministries, in the neighbourhood, and in secular workplaces. What is less expected, yet nevertheless real, is that these behaviours may turn up among congregation members and even in leadership teams and governance boards. We do need to be careful not to misinterpret the behaviour of others when we are in an intercultural context. What is offensive and provocative in one culture may not be viewed that way at all in another culture.
Reflect, Recognise, Regulate
I encourage you to reflect on what winds you up and to become swifter at recognising what is going on within you when your buttons get pushed. Each of us will have different behaviours that we find particularly challenging. If we don’t handle these behaviours well (and sometimes even if we do) things can escalate into conflict. Once you’re into conflict, that’s another whole topic.
To put a Biblical frame around how we respond to challenging behaviours I would call attention to these three passages and encourage you to reflect on them while holding in your mind the real-life situations that you find offensive, provocative, exasperating or unsettling:
James 3:17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
1 Thess 5:12-15 And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.
Matt 5:38-39 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”
Analyse Their Behaviour
If only we could get God’s perspective on such people, seeing them through his eyes. It’s a difficult yet vital pursuit. Right from the start it’s crucial to take time to distinguish between the person and their challenging behaviour, and to think about what might be behind it. So often I have found that my irritation drops away rapidly once I better understand the forces that give rise to behaviour I find irksome. That doesn’t necessarily mean that behaviour is perfectly fine, but it does help me to respond in a more calm and considered manner.
What if I discover the person is suffering with a mental health condition? Could it be that he has a personality disorder? Perhaps she wrestles with a particular fear or anxiety that prevents her from always being the best version of herself. Maybe he has been hurt recently, betrayed or sinned against in some other way. It could be that she is being strongly influenced by another individual or a crowd to which she belongs and her behaviour does not genuinely represent who she is. No doubt you can think of other causes of challenging behaviour that might modify your response.
Five Strategies For a Christian Response
I want to offer you five strategies that nest together to form Christian response to challenging behaviours.
Exercise self-control
Recognise and manage your anxiety
Slow yourself down, don’t react, buy time to respond
Reframe from ‘difficult person’ to challenging behaviour’
Don’t reciprocate bad behaviour
Seek God’s grace, especially patience and self-control
Seek to understand
Seek to understand yourself; self-awareness is essential. Is my response reasonable?
Listen, really listen
Don’t downplay their feelings
Ask questions to clarify
Develop rapport, find common ground
Practice empathy, get into their perspective; pay special attention to culture and context
Search for the unspoken assumptions and hidden needs
Keep healthy boundaries
Exercise appropriate assertiveness without aggression; stand up for yourself
Know what you can and can’t control
Don’t take things personally; refuse to take offense
Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated
Don’t take responsibility for what is not yours
Talk it over
Talk to your Heavenly Father; where is he at work in this interaction? Is he using this person’s behaviour to bring you to greater maturity?
Discuss with your mentor and supervisor
Seek counsel informally from trusted advisors
Use reflective practices to practice ‘self-talk’
Reveal Jesus’ character in your response
Seek to maximise both grace and truth
Be flexible and prepared to adapt the way you engage with people depending on their particular situation
Engage from a firm moral foundation
Show respect, refuse to depersonalise others
What is God bringing to your attention as you read these strategies? What actions would you like to take now? What particular situations would you like to pray about?
Used with permission from the publisher of Preach magazine. This article of mine was originally published in Preach magazine, Issue 42 (2024).
I’ve added a new tab called ‘Interviews with Rick’. Dan Fewchuk has conducted and filmed these interviews, combining his skills as a videographer with his talent for asking great questions. I’m very grateful to Dan for making this project possible and delighted to make them available here for free.
Sometimes it is hard to find an experienced, competent mentor, or there are simply not enough to go around. If you’re in that situation then a group-mentoring model involving a modest number of peers may be attractive. Compared with a one-to-one approach, groups for mentoring among peers have both advantages and disadvantages.
Advantages:
a greater number of perspectives are available;
a greater variety of ideas may be generated;
members experience strong accountability due to peer pressure;
a sense of commonality such that one does not need to explain everything.
Disadvantages:
Less time available for each person to share;
greater potential for breach of trust;
conversations tend toward generic topics that all understand;
meeting together requires more complicated scheduling.
Peer mentoring groups require strong values in order to remain healthy: honesty, suspension of judgement, activation of discernment, confidentiality and intentionality. You may wish to consider other values that you would find essential, and whether or not a group would need a facilitator in order to stay true to these values and to stay on track in terms of focus and time. These groups may adopt one or more of several approaches, sticking with one that works best for them, or mixing things up over time:
Group supervision process, taking it in turn to present a case study arising from their experience of living as a disciple of Jesus. This may take the form of a theological reflection on a critical incident. Other members of the group then ask questions and make observations about how God is active in the life of the person sharing and may help generate options for how the individual can respond and grow.
Wesleyan approach, considering a standard set of accountability questions at each meeting. As a variation, each meeting may address a limited number of accountability questions drawn from a longer list in order to facilitate deeper exploration of the issues.
Retreating together, taking an extended time to withdraw from normal life patterns in order to listen to God attentively in community. A retreat setting can serve as a time for sharing life stories. Reese and Loane have a suggested format for such retreats[1].
Mallison outlines several different applications for mentoring in the life of a church. For one of these he draws on the example of Rod Denton[2] whose practice, as a pastoral team leader, involved mentoring members of his staff as a group. Compare this with the observations I make in chapters 5 and 7 of my book Mentoring Matters[3] about the operation of power within mentoring relationships.
[1] Reese, Randy and Loane, Robert. Deep Mentoring: Guiding Others on Their Leadership Journey. Downers Grove, IVP, 2012, p. 170-171
[2] Mallison, John. Mentoring: To Develop Disciples and Leaders. Adelaide: Openbook/Lidcombe: Scripture Union, 1998, p. 156f
[3] Lewis, Rick. Mentoring Matters: Building Strong Leaders, Avoiding Burnout, Reaching the Finishing Line. Oxford, Monarch, 2009, p. 129-132 and 178-180.
What is your mind’s favourite time zone? When your brain switches off, do you tend to drift back to past days, remembering the good times – or maybe dwelling on past regrets? Is your typical mental state one of living ‘in the moment’, rooted in the things happening right now? Or do your thoughts float toward the future, considering exciting prospects or worrying possibilities? There are advantages and disadvantages in each time zone.
The past. Obviously, it’s not helpful to get stuck in a cycle of regret or anger over things that have happened that you wish were different. No amount of fussing is going to change what has been. But the past also has much to offer us as leaders in mission. It’s where we find facts and evidence for what is true. We find accounts of God’s activity which demonstrate his character. There are stories of faithful people that provide encouragement. Thinking of past blessings stimulates gratitude, which is a great motivator. Reflecting on what God has done builds a firm foundation for faith, anchored in God’s Word, in historical fact and our own experience. We learn from the past or, if we don’t, as the saying goes, we are destined to repeat it.
The present. Simply living for today can be a shallow approach to life, lacking perspective and the wisdom that comes from other time zones. Selfish and foolish people typically live in this time zone. And yet, it is only by being fully present in the current moment that we can truly and deeply connect with others and with God. The present is the place of agency; we cannot change the past nor can we control the future, but right here and now we can choose to respond faithfully to God’s grace. Now is when I worship and pray, love and serve, give and speak. Now is all I can impact directly. Now is when I appropriate God’s grace, based on the past and for the sake of the future.
The future. Like me, you’ve probably had the frustrating experience of dealing with daydreamers who rarely reflect and often fail to take responsibility for what needs to be done today, their heads filled with fanciful notions. Possibly worse are the people who assess every idea on a worst-case scenario basis, constantly stuck worrying about imaginary catastrophes about to occur. But for leaders in mission, the future is where the action is! There’s transformational power in considering the future. It stirs hope of God’s intervention and a Spirit-inspired imagination of what might be possible. It strengthens resolve to do difficult things that have future rewards. A grasp of a transcendental future answers many of the big ‘why?’ questions.
I would argue that Christians are, essentially, future-oriented people. Not to the exclusion of the past and the present, but it’s our vision of the future that shapes us. We have grasped hold of the good news of the kingdom of God – that God has a big project going on to restore the whole of creation under his rule. The completion of this fully-funded, 100% guaranteed project comprehensively dominates the future. This is our hope, our inspiration.
Biblical Encouragements and Warnings
Jesus gives us great encouragement to consider the future, for example in Lk 14 with his parables about setting goals for construction and combat. If you’re a leader in Jesus’ mission it’s critical that you pay sufficient attention to future consequences. Jesus himself was a future-oriented person who, because he could see joy in the future, endured the cross for the sake of that future (Heb 12:2).
Jesus also gives us a warning about future thinking in Mt 6:34. When we consider the future we should avoid doing so with a mindset of worry. Rather we should have a mindset of seeking God’s rule. Further, James warns us in Jas 4:13-17 not to think about the future with naivety or with the kind of presumption that becomes arrogance. Rather, consideration of the future should stimulate our desire to seek God’s will.
Future Discernment and Future Creation
None of us has a crystal ball but we do live in a world where the laws of cause and effect allow for a measure of predictability, provided we think about it. With serious consideration of current realities outside our control, we can discern how things are likely to unfold and take wise action in preparation. In addition, we can consider the likely impact of actions we take today. Careful choices will help to create the kind of future we would prefer.
A future time perspective is essential for ethical behaviour, because it’s is crucial to consider the likely outcomes of our actions. Failure to think about the future leads to the all-too-common question, “What were they thinking!?” If we are to avoid the trap of unintended consequences we must get better at developing our future perspective.
Drawing our attention towards the future moves us from a problem-focus to a solution-focus. There is proven strategic value in clearly identifying a preferred future then moving to prioritisation and goal-setting. But there’s more to it than strategy and performance. Future time perspective produces positive personal formation, helping with motivation, perseverance, delayed gratification, self-restraint, and the capacity to wait and be patient. It strengthens the joy of anticipation, the faith involved in expectation, and the peace that comes through accepting that painful and puzzling matters will one day be resolved.
Questions for Discerning a Likely Future
If present patterns continue, what will be the outcomes one year from now?
How is person X likely to respond if you do as you intend?
Is there any reason this will work out differently than it has in the past?
Which of your assumptions about the future are most/least reliable?
Questions for Creating a Preferred Future
What do you have in your life today that you would like to be part of your future?
If you were free of distractions, where would you be in 5 years’ time?
If you had a year to live, with full capacities for the first 11 months, what would you do?
What hope is God stirring in your heart about your service for him?
It’s fashionable these days to be cynical about New Year resolutions, dismissing them as laughable, empty wishes to lose weight or finally get organised. But the beginning of a year is a great time to be hopeful and plan for personal growth! Mentoring sessions at the beginning of a calendar year usually have a ‘fresh start’ feel to them. It’s like we finish one chapter, start a new one and have a renewed sense of possibility and expectation.
Mentors have a part to play in helping mentorees effectively engage in this process of looking forward with positive intent. If that’s your role and you have a mentoring session coming up this month, what can you bring to the table? I’m going to assume that you have already listened very carefully to ensure you’ve understood the resolutions your mentoree wants to pursue, and that you’re not making assumptions or injecting your own ideas about what you think they ‘ought’ to be going after. Here are five areas for exploration around proposed resolutions.
Check for overreach. Is the mentoree attempting something too challenging, trying to run before they can walk? Ask if there might be an intermediate resolution that could form a great launchpad for tackling the ‘Big, Hairy, Audacious Goal’ a little way down the track. Or are they attempting too many things all at once? It can be good to have two or three resolutions, but having ten is probably going to turn out to be overwhelming. Ask if they can prioritise a long list to settle on the top few.
Advocate for balance. What are the proposed resolutions attempting to achieve? Fix a problem? Nurture a strength? Explore a possibility? These are all good categories and a balance between them is ideal. If all of a person’s proposed resolutions are in one category, ask questions that stimulate thought about the other categories.
Encourage personhood over performance. Are the resolutions about what the person wants to achieve or the sort of person they wish to become? Overuse of the SMART methodology (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timely) for goal-setting will skew things towards performance achievement. Getting something important done has its place but, as a mentor, your higher concern is going to be the personal growth of the person. Use methods that get at ‘who you are’.
Clarify a simple plan of attack. Many good intentions fail for lack of a plan. It doesn’t need to be complicated – in fact, it shouldn’t be. This is where ‘how?’ questions come into their own. Explore both positive and negative factors. Any move from ‘here’ to ‘there’ is going to require resources and must consider possible obstacles. What does your mentoree already have going for them? What additional help will they need to secure? What might undermine their intent and what can they do to guard against that? Kurt Lewin’s ‘Force Field Analysis’ is a useful tool here. (See my blog, 4 November 2021.)
Build in evaluation points. If it’s worth spending time to clarify and hone a resolution then it’s essential it’s not forgotten. Ask your mentoree if it’s okay for you, as mentor, to check in on how things are going with the things they have resolved to pursue. When would they like you to do that? Multiple check-in points are helpful – perhaps one month, three months, and six months. Evaluation is more accurate if external perspectives are included rather than it just being a matter of the mentoree’s own impressions. Suggest they seek feedback from people close to them. Evaluation points are also an opportunity to fine tune resolutions to take account of things learned since they were formed.
As a Christian mentor, I’m going to approach each of these areas of exploration with God at the centre. I’m going to encourage this process to be prayerful, sensitive to the whispers of the Holy Spirit. I’m going to ask questions that refer back to my mentoree’s sense of their calling as a disciple of Jesus. I’m going to probe for how any proposed resolution might open a pathway for the kingdom of God to be more fully expressed in my mentoree’s life. I’m going to stir up faith and hope in the One who holds our future in His hands.
We can all use a little encouragement from time to time. But why is it that some attempts at encouragement fall flat while others really hit the spot? Think about the times when you’ve needed a lift and someone has said or done something that has been particularly effective. What is it about those sorts of interactions that set them apart?
I’ve been reflecting on this recently because I’d like to be more effective at encouraging others. I reckon that if I can figure what works for me, I’ve got a head start into understanding how I might become a better encourager. I’ve come up with a couple of lists which I’ll share here as a discussion starter.
My first list is of the elements that I think are crucial, almost essential to any example of effective encouragement. My second list is of things that might not be essential but I observe are very commonly present in occasions when I’ve felt especially encouraged.
Crucial Elements
Sincerity – comes from pure motives, not flattery or manipulation
Veracity – recognised to have a basis in truth, not someone making stuff up in order to be nice
Authority – comes from a respected source, someone who has experience and/or credentials that add weight to the encouragement
Relevance – connects with something that is deeply valued; encouragement over things you don’t really care about has little effect
Receptivity – it has to be received by the person; timing matters here because there are more receptive and less receptive moments
Strengthening Elements
Specific – not vague or general; giving real-life examples is helpful
Tangible – when the encouragement is captured in some well-crafted words written down, or symbolised in a carefully chosen gift
Spiritual – connected back to God through prayer or a passage of scripture or a prophetic word
Astute – provides fresh insight or perspective or makes a new connection
Consequential – when the encourager shows that the person being encouraged makes a significant difference by who they are or what they have done
In my musing about how encouragement works I re-read an old book by Larry Crabb and Dan Allender called Encouragement: The Unexpected Power of Building Others Up. One particularly valuable insight I gained there was about how to target encouragement accurately. They point out that encouragement is needed at a point of discouragement, and discouragement occurs because courage is undermined by some sort of fear. If you can identify the fear that is unsettling a person, you can better direct your encouragement. I’ve found that helpful, when I notice that someone is feeling down, to think more carefully about what is giving rise to those feelings and direct my encouragement to the cause.
What do you think? Are the elements you would add to either of the lists above, or do you have further insights as to how effective encouragement works?
In the UK, no other Christian training institute takes mentor training more seriously than Cliff College, located in the beautiful Peak District National Park in Derbyshire. I have the great privilege of facilitating their week-long mentor training intensive 9-13 May 2022. Could you join us for this residential course? You can find out more here.
Participants gain a Cliff College Certificate by completing the required assessment work following the teaching week. Successful students will be invited to the Cliff College graduation ceremony. Students can choose not to do the assessment work by auditing the short course. This short course also serves as an entry qualification to the Postgraduate Certificate in Mission (Christian Mentoring) at Cliff College.
Kurt Lewin (1890-1947) is known as the father of social psychology. His thinking gave rise to so many processes we take for granted today such as action research, change process theory and sensitivity training. He coined the term ‘group dynamics’, did ground-breaking work in analysing organizational culture and gave us the psychological equationB = ƒ(P, E), meaning that human behaviour is a function of the person in their environment. That seems obvious now, but it took Lewin to make it clear.
Perhaps the most useful thing Lewin came up with for mentoring is his ‘Force Field Analysis’, a tool that I use all the time in mentoring sessions in an informal, unstructured way and occasionally as a formal exercise. The FFA provides a framework for identifying the factors that influence a situation:
factors that drive movement toward a goal – ‘helping forces’
factors that block movement toward a goal – ‘hindering forces’
Lewin originally designed this for use in social situations and corporate environments, but it’s also very helpful when working with individuals who have identified a goal for themselves and now need to figure out the practical steps they might take to realise that goal. Lewin noticed that people tend to focus on individual aspects of a situation rather than seeing things as a whole.
The genius of the FFA is that it draws people to consider all the forces already at play in their situation as they seek to make progress. We are never at a standing start as we address our goals; things are already in motion. And the FFA calls people to consider not only what they have going for them, and not only what they are up against, but all of those things together. I have developed a list of the sorts of forces that mentorees and I commonly identify:
Category
Possible items
Personal forces
gifts, skills, experience, education/qualifications, other strengths and weaknesses, stage of life, health
Internal forces
motivations, desires, passions, fears, sense of identity
Spiritual forces
graces of the Holy Spirit, gifts fruit, empowerment, the Scriptures, prophetic words, healing AND ALSOthe works of the enemy, falsehood, discouragement, destructive thinking
Relational forces
people’s actions, attitudes, words, needs, demands, generosity, support or otherwise, the nature of relationships with family, friends and associates
social expectations, attitudes and mores, opportunities/opposition based on gender, ethnicity, age, disability, sexual orientation, social status
Material forces
financial, housing, location, tools and equipment
Once the forces are identified – and there may be dozens of forces at play – it’s then on to the second step of the FFA. In this step a person considers what practical steps they may be able to take to strengthen the ‘helping forces’ and to overcome the ‘hindering forces’. This step can take quite a while and should not be rushed. But if you’ve ever struggled with the options generation stage of the GROW model, you’ll appreciate how helpful the FFA is in providing a framework for coming up with a wide range of possible actions. It’s like brainstorming on steroids!
In practical terms for mentoring sessions, the final step in using the FFA is to whittle all those possible actions down to a very short list of action steps that a mentoree commits to implement in the period before their next mentoring appointment.
If you already use something like this, I’d love you to comment on what you’ve discovered and what tips you’d have for mentors. If you haven’t come across this before I encourage you to give it a try next time you have a mentoree who needs to decide what they are going to do to make progress towards their goals.
Considering all three dimensions of time – past, present, future – there is benefit in engaging deeply with each dimension
The past. We learn from past experience or, if we don’t, as the saying goes, we are destined to repeat it. In particular, reflecting on what God has done builds a firm foundation for faith, anchored in God’s Word, in historical fact and our own experience. In mentoring, we commonly engage in this through ‘telling our stories’ somewhere near the beginning of a mentoring partnership.
The present. The benefits of being fully present in the moment are well known, not least of which is the fact that here and now is the place of agency; we cannot change the past nor can we control the future, but in the present moment we can choose to respond faithfully to God’s grace.
The future. Very few things come into being fully developed. Life is full of unrealised, positive possibilities that may be grasped through purposeful, focussed action. Furthermore, setbacks do not have to be the end of the story. Amid a world of brokenness, God holds out hope of renewal and restoration yet to come.
It is this future aspect of time I want to address here. As mentors, in working to help others develop a more adequate grasp of their lives we may find our mentorees neglect to consider the future perspective at critical points, or their consideration of the future may be skewed in unhelpful ways. Why does consideration of future perspective sometimes fail? There are, of course, many possible reasons – laziness, poor judgement, wrong information. But I think the most common causes in our current circumstances are anxiety, worry and fear. These emotional responses flood the nervous system with adrenaline which closes up thinking processes, reducing flexibility, withdrawing generosity and shortening time horizons. With careful preparation, mentors might be able to help their clients overcome these limiting ways of thinking and develop a healthy future perspective.
Biblical encouragements and warnings
As a practitioner of Christian mentoring I find it significant that Christianity has a strong future orientation. The overarching metanarrative is that creation is broken but God is in the business of restoring all things, and this vision will be realised in the age to come, into which he invites us through faith in Jesus. Jesus gives us great encouragement to consider the future not only in the age to come but in the present age as well. For example, in Lk 14 he tells parables about setting goals for construction and combat. But in Mt 6:34 he also gives us a warning: when we think about the future we should avoid doing so with a mindset of worry. Rather we should have a mindset of seeking God’s rule and of faith and trust. Further, James warns us in Jas 4 not to think about the future with the kind of presumption that becomes arrogance. Rather, consideration of the future should stimulate our desire to seek God’s will.
Applicability to mentoring
Calling attention to and strengthening future perspective in mentoring is useful for both correcting a deficit and developing an asset – the deficit of problematic attitudes to the future and the asset of having an attitude towards the future that harnesses the transformative power of God-given hope.
Calling attention to possibly problematic attitudes to the future is relevant where
A mentoree seems overly worried about things in the future
A mentoree seems overly naïve or arrogant about the future
A mentoree seems not to be paying attention to future consequences
Calling attention to the future to harness transformational power emphasises
Hope of God’s intervention
Spirit-inspired imagination of what might be possible
Strengthening resolve to do difficult things with future rewards
A grasp of the transcendental, age-to-come future that answers the big ‘why?’ questions
Future creation – working toward a preferred future
In order to take hold of positive future possibilities, a person must overcome explicit or implicit deterministic ways of thinking. Determinism insists that the future already exists; that it is locked in and unalterable, and that no decisions or actions on our part will make any difference to our fate or the fate of those around us. Without getting into the deep philosophical and theological debate around this, it’s fair to say that the Christian position is that today’s choices do make a difference to tomorrow’s outcomes and that we are called to join with God in his redemptive work.
A considerable body of research exists on what is called ‘time perspective theory’ with applications in psychology, adolescent development, education, sociology, cultural studies and more.[1] Enhancing future time perspective has been shown to promote focus, prioritisation and goal-setting with beneficial effects on motivation and perseverance. Dozens of studies have proved the strategic value of clearly identifying a preferred future. A key insight for mentors is that future orientation is required to move from a problem focus to a solution focus.
None of us has a crystal ball but we do live in a world where the laws of cause and effect (VUCA notwithstanding) allow for a measure of predictability, provided we think about it. With serious consideration of the future we may develop and benefit from ‘early hindsight’.
Moral value
Commonly neglected aspect of Christian ethics. Later, the critique may be, ‘What were they thinking?!’
Avoiding the trap of unintended consequences.
Action-consequence analysis is one of the three major approaches to ethics, along with principle-based (or Kantian) ethics and character-based (or Aristotelian) ethics.
Values clarification and prioritising. Holding to one value may not seem worth it when we consider the likely negative impact on another value in the future.
Drawing attention to the future helps with:
Delayed gratification, self-restraint, capacity to wait, patience
Strengthening hope, expectancy dimension of faith
Joy of anticipation
Peace – coming to terms with as yet unresolved matters
Practical implementation
In the first instance, mentors can begin to promote a healthy future perspective by crafting questions that stir up curiosity about the future. Here are some examples to start your thinking:
Questions for creating a preferred future
What do you have in your life today that you would like to be part of your future?
If you were free of distractions, where would you be in 5 years’ time?
If you had a year to live, with full capacities for the first 11 months, what would you do?
What hope is God stirring in your heart about your service for him?
Questions for discerning a likely future
If present patterns continue, what will be the outcomes one year from now?
How is person X likely to respond if you do as you intend?
Is there any reason this will work out differently than it has in the past?
Which of your assumptions about the future are most/least reliable?
Beyond questions like these, there are also certain exercises that may help a mentoree start to get in touch with the future.
Up-close, a significant challenge or aspiration can feel overwhelming and result in procrastination or not taking sufficient action. When you ‘stand’ or visualize yourself in the future however, a greater sense of possibility is generated that builds deeper certainty and commitment leading to sustainable action.
It is always in our best interest to be in connection with our vision. Vision is not simply a memory, but a living and specific awareness of your intention. It is a conscious integration of mind and heart and the best starting point for a complex ambition that requires learning and collaboration. It allows you to utilize all of your talents and capabilities, both explicit and implicit, and opens your awareness to emergent and unexpected resources and support.
When you practice the exercise below, be sure to see your vision as fully compete, if anything were possible and be sure to put yourself in the picture.
Exercise
Be in a reflective, relaxed and open state with pad and pen nearby.
It is now the year 2024 (or three years from the present)
You (and your team) have completed or made significant and tangible progress in realizing your vision or meeting your challenge. You are thrilled. You (and your team) have been asked to describe or tell the story of just how you achieved your goals. See your vision as fully complete, as if anything were possible, and put yourself in the picture.
Answer as many of the following questions as possible or that make sense:
What were the milestones that were met throughout these three years?
What obstacles were overcome and unanticipated problems were resolved?
What enabled you to be successful?
What were the specific factors that were crucial to your success (tangible and intangible)?
What did you need to learn along the way about yourself, working with others and how to influence the larger system?
Who did you look to for support?
What enabled you to accomplish this (as a team)?
How did you know you were on track/off track?
How often did you monitor your progress?
How does it feel to be successful?
Are you surprised that you made it? If not, why/ why not?
What advice would you give to someone considering taking on a similar challenge?
This is a solution-focussed therapy technique used to help people imagine a tangible future they can work towards. The exercise asks people to imagine, however fantastical it may be in their particular circumstances, that their life has already dramatically changed for the better. So instead of focusing exclusively on how insoluble their problem is, and how difficult life is because of it, it switches attention to what will happen after the problem is dealt with – focusing on the desired future rather than the undesired present. It jumps right over the mechanics of how, exactly, the problem will be solved into the mechanics of how will they live when it is solved. It’s a neat and rather fun way of bypassing rigid constraints, black and white thinking, and unshakeable beliefs that “things can’t possibly change!”
Exercise
The ideal is for people to feel the answer to the miracle question – to experience it and not just to think about it. This helps to make the imagined future more real to them, and not just a theoretical construct. So rather than getting someone to answer straight away, get them to ‘go inside’ for a few moments and really ‘see and feel’ the miracle. Ask them to imagine the answer rather than tell you in words. The miracle question can be worded slightly differently depending on the particular context. Here is one example:
Imagine this: tonight, while you are sleeping, a miracle happens and the problem that prompted you to talk to me today is solved! But because this happens while you are sleeping, you have no way of knowing that there was an overnight miracle that solved the problem. So, when you wake up tomorrow morning, what might be the small changes that will make you say to yourself, ‘Wow, something must have happened—the problem is gone!’? How does it feel to be in this new place?
When you’ve given them some time to carry out this process, you can ask your mentoree to tell you in detail what they have noticed and imagined. The response provides the image of a future possibility:
Clarifying deep desires
Identifying points of motivation
Stimulating hope
Caution
No exercise is appropriate in every circumstance. If a mentoree is grieving the passing of a loved one or struggling with an adverse medical diagnosis, this exercise is NOT the one to use.
Letter from My Future Self
Principle
You are probably aware of the oft-used exercise of having a person write a letter to their future selves. It’s a fun exercise that helps a person capture what they believe is essential and valuable not just for the moment but for the long-term. And you might have thought about what you would say to your younger self if you travel back in time and give them the benefit of your experience. You’d sure have a valuable perspective to share if this were possible! This exercise has you imagining yourself 10 years from now (or 20 if you’re really bold) writing back to your present self. It’s designed to help you extract yourself from the details of your present day-to-day life, to get up above that to discern what is truly lasting and what is temporary; what is valuable and what is cheap; what is real and what is illusion.
Exercise
Allow yourself plenty of time for this exercise. You might even wish to have a few stabs at it until you’re satisfied.
You’re 10 (or 20) years older now and you’re writing to yourself in 2021.
Write a paragraph for each of the following prompts:
Open with a greeting, acknowledging what is going on for your younger self. Express how you feel about that and give some affirmation.
What is life for you now as your older self?
What was important in making it that way?
Who are you grateful to?
What has surprised you along the way?
Give yourself some advice; what to give more attention, what to let go of, a bit of wisdom
From your future perspective, suggest a positive next step to take in 2021
When we take action, there are consequences; and when we don’t take action, there are consequences. Either way, things happen. These may be good or bad for us, and good or bad for other people. While we often focus on ourselves, the effects on others can be significant.
We often pay closer attention to consequences that happen in the short term, where there is clear cause and effect between actions and what happens as a result. Consequences may also happen further out into the future, and perhaps with less clear causal relationship. An important point about this matrix is that it highlights considerations that we often do not realize we are making. Often, all we think about is ‘What will happen if I do?’, ‘What will happen in the short term?’ and ‘What will I gain from this?’ By making this unconscious process conscious, we can make and influence better decisions.
Exercise
Work through each of the questions allowing time to move freely between them.
Action
If I do…
If I don’t…
Consequence
What will happen?
What will happen if I do?
What will happen if I don’t?
What won’t happen?
What won’t happen if I do?
What won’t happen if I don’t?
When considering consequences in each quadrant, this sub-matrix may prompt insight.
