Truth and love are vital to all healthy personal relationships. But there’s a sense in which the thrust of truth on the one hand and the thrust of love on the other may prompt us toward different ways of engaging in conversations. These kinds of engagement are not necessarily at odds with each other, but they can be. Without proper curation, love and truth can pull against each other. With thoughtful attention to each dynamic, they can be woven together in a highly constructive complementarity.
Ideally, we would all like to conduct our ministries in ways that express both truth and love, but it’s not always as easy as it sounds. Reflecting on my own experience, I have found that when I’m paying particular attention to communicating truth, I can run the risk of coming across as not terribly loving or gracious. Also, when I am especially trying to convey love and support, I run the risk of going soft on challenging aspects of the truth of the matter.
The English language may be a limiting factor here. We don’t have a convenient word that conveys the dynamics of both truth and love at the same time. We have to resort to using a phrase like ‘tough love’.
David Augsburger, a pastoral theologian from Fuller Seminary in the early 70s, wrote about the importance of both care and confrontation in Christian ministry. He made the case that care brings warm inclusion and confrontation brings firm discernment. He insisted that to neglect either was to undermine the gospel of Jesus. He noted that there isn’t a handy English word that brings together the dynamics of caring (loving) and confronting (telling the truth) into one approach. So he coined the term ‘carefronting’.
The point is that in all forms of ministry that is carried out in Jesus’ name, this can’t be an either/or. It’s got to be a both/and. Care on its own can descend into complicity and a sort of co-dependent enabling. Confrontation on its own can become aggressive and judgemental.
Larry Daloz, the philosophy of education guru of the 80s made the same observation in connection with teaching, but he used the language of ‘support’ and ‘challenge’. He mapped the way in which these dynamics impact students and the results produced:
He observed that where neither support nor challenge is effectively conveyed the result is stagnation. Where there is support but no effective challenge, students feel encouraged to keep repeating what they have been doing to that point. Where students are challenged but not provided with support, they tend to retreat. Daloz observed that the place of greatest learning and growth was where students experienced both support and challenge at the same time.
The contributions of both Augsburger and Daloz are simply 20th century articulations of first century wisdom that we find in the New Testament. Love and truth are spoken of together in several places in scripture
- 1 Corinthians 13:6 …love rejoices in the truth…
- Ephesians 4:15 …speaking the truth in love…
- 1 John 3:18 …love not with words but with actions and in truth…
- 2 John 1:3 …grace mercy and peace from God…will be with us in truth and love…
More than that, the combination of love and truth, care and confrontation, support and challenge are found in the very character of Jesus. John expresses this using the language of ‘grace and truth’.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth… For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. John 1:14,17 NIV
The prophet Isaiah, writing of the Servant of the Lord in anticipation of the coming Messiah, characterises him clearly as one who brings truth-based justice and righteousness, yet with kindness:
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. In his teaching the islands will put their hope. Isa 42:3-4 NIV
We see the dynamics of truth and love so wonderfully woven together in numerous encounters Jesus had with individuals as reported in the gospels. He graciously enters into conversation with the woman at the well in John 4. In the midst of his generous offer of living water he also confronts her with the truth of her past and her shameful present. His love for his disciples is obvious, but he is certainly not backward in confronting them with the truth about their lack of faith. Think of how he came back at Peter (Matt 16:22-23) when that disciple inappropriately tried to deflect him from his mission. The way he dealt with the woman caught in adultery in John 8:11 is a classic expression of grace and truth:
“Neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Jesus sets an example for all of us who would serve others in his name. We are called toward the difficult task of bringing both truth and love to bear in the way we carry out our ministry. One of these dynamics alone really is not enough. Both must be in play if those we serve are to grow in God. In real-life situations we will have to assess what is needed in the moment. As we are seeking to get the balance right, bear in mind two factors for which we must account.
First, we will need to adjust our approach according to the other person’s immediate need. Listen carefully to assess what messages the person has been getting from other sources. Have they been coddled with lots of love but little frank feedback? Have they been hammered with challenging truth delivered without any offer of support? Also, try to pick up what their internal voice is saying? Is their self-talk falling into unbalanced excusing or accusing? Knowing that this person needs both love and truth, you’ll seek to supply what might be lacking.
Second, adjustment needs to be made to account for our own natural tendency. All of us find one side of the truth/love equation easier than the other. Some of us find it’s effortless to come straight out with the truth, while grace-giving is something we have to work hard at. Others of us are naturally grace-givers and it takes conscious effort to remember to exercise truth-telling. Which one are you?
One final reminder. When we are speaking the truth in love in our capacity as Christian leaders, it’s good to bear in mind that because of the inherent power imbalance that comes with our position, our words may land more heavily than might appear to us to be the case. We don’t need to overdo it. The deep transformation and growth that we long to see in those we serve will actually come from the Holy Spirit, who both leads us into truth (Jn 16:13) and pours out God’s love into our hearts (Rom 5:5).
Used with permission from the publisher of Preach magazine. This article of mine was originally published in Preach magazine, Issue 44 (2025).