I have the privilege to mentor some wonderful Christian leaders. Our conversations grapple with what it means to faithfully respond to and cooperate with the work of God’s Spirit in their soul and circumstances. One of the most engaging and puzzling questions we consider is how to act in ways that are consistent with God’s character when confronted by behaviour of others that we find offensive or negatively provocative. And this becomes even more sharply challenging when those behaviours are exhibited by the same people on a regular basis. 

Are there some individuals in your circle of influence whose behaviour gets under your skin to the point that, when you see them approaching, or a message pops up with their name on it, you inwardly groan and mutter to yourself, “Here we go again”? I’m thinking here of the person who is always complaining, finding fault with entrenched negativity. Or the person who has an inflated idea of their importance and wisdom and makes sweeping assertions about matters they don’t understand. Or the person who seeks to manipulate you through bullying, deception or flattery. No doubt, you can name other examples of behaviour that exasperate you.

You might expect to encounter these behaviours when working with unbelievers in outreach ministries, in the neighbourhood, and in secular workplaces. What is less expected, yet nevertheless real, is that these behaviours may turn up among congregation members and even in leadership teams and governance boards. We do need to be careful not to misinterpret the behaviour of others when we are in an intercultural context. What is offensive and provocative in one culture may not be viewed that way at all in another culture. 

Reflect, Recognise, Regulate

I encourage you to reflect on what winds you up and to become swifter at recognising what is going on within you when your buttons get pushed. Each of us will have different behaviours that we find particularly challenging. If we don’t handle these behaviours well (and sometimes even if we do) things can escalate into conflict. Once you’re into conflict, that’s another whole topic.

To put a Biblical frame around how we respond to challenging behaviours I would call attention to these three passages and encourage you to reflect on them while holding in your mind the real-life situations that you find offensive, provocative, exasperating or unsettling:

• James 3:17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
• 1 Thess 5:12-15 And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.
• Matt 5:38-39 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

Analyse Their Behaviour

If only we could get God’s perspective on such people, seeing them through his eyes. It’s a difficult yet vital pursuit. Right from the start it’s crucial to take time to distinguish between the person and their challenging behaviour, and to think about what might be behind it. So often I have found that my irritation drops away rapidly once I better understand the forces that give rise to behaviour I find irksome. That doesn’t necessarily mean that behaviour is perfectly fine, but it does help me to respond in a more calm and considered manner. 

What if I discover the person is suffering with a mental health condition? Could it be that he has a personality disorder? Perhaps she wrestles with a particular fear or anxiety that prevents her from always being the best version of herself. Maybe he has been hurt recently, betrayed or sinned against in some other way. It could be that she is being strongly influenced by another individual or a crowd to which she belongs and her behaviour does not genuinely represent who she is. No doubt you can think of other causes of challenging behaviour that might modify your response.

Five Strategies For a Christian Response

I want to offer you five strategies that nest together to form Christian response to challenging behaviours.

1. Exercise self-control
   • Recognise and manage your anxiety
   • Slow yourself down, don’t react, buy time to respond
   • Reframe from ‘difficult person’ to challenging behaviour’
   • Don’t reciprocate bad behaviour
   • Seek God’s grace, especially patience and self-control
2. Seek to understand
   • Seek to understand yourself; self-awareness is essential. Is my response reasonable?
   • Listen, really listen
   • Don’t downplay their feelings
   • Ask questions to clarify
   • Develop rapport, find common ground
   • Practice empathy, get into their perspective; pay special attention to culture and context
   • Search for the unspoken assumptions and hidden needs
3. Keep healthy boundaries
   • Exercise appropriate assertiveness without aggression; stand up for yourself
   • Know what you can and can’t control
   • Don’t take things personally; refuse to take offense
   • Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated
   • Don’t take responsibility for what is not yours
4. Talk it over
   • Talk to your Heavenly Father; where is he at work in this interaction? Is he using this person’s behaviour to bring you to greater maturity?
   • Discuss with your mentor and supervisor
   • Seek counsel informally from trusted advisors
   • Use reflective practices to practice ‘self-talk’
5. Reveal Jesus’ character in your response
   • Seek to maximise both grace and truth
   • Be flexible and prepared to adapt the way you engage with people depending on their particular situation
   • Engage from a firm moral foundation
   • Show respect, refuse to depersonalise others

What is God bringing to your attention as you read these strategies? What actions would you like to take now? What particular situations would you like to pray about?

Used with permission from the publisher of Preach magazine. This article of mine was originally published in Preach magazine, Issue 42 (2024).